Neville Strongbottom and the Deathly Gallows
by Elliot Pole
Summary: Imagine that Harry Potter had been killed, but Voldemort went after Neville instead. Can Neville save the world or no? Be the first to discover! A parody of Harry Potter.
1. The Boy Who Lived

Neville Strongbottom and the Deathly Gallows

**Neville Strongbottom and the Deathly Gallows**

**Chapter One**

The entire wizarding community was celebrating. Lord Voldemort had been destroyed, when his Killing Curse failed to hurt a baby. There were many questions left unanswered, but who cared? The Dark Lord was dead, which meant nobody had to fear for their safety.

An old man called Dumbledore was eating lemon drops outside Number Four, Privet Drive. There was a cat there as well.

Or, not a cat. It suddenly turned into a middle-aged woman with green glasses.

"Dumbledore, is it true? Was Voldemort killed by a child?"

"Well, not killed exactly. As you know, Minerva, wizards never actually die. His soul swarms all around us. It is the sucker part of the Tootsie Roll Pop, and we are the chocolate center."

"Okay, fine, but a child was responsible?"

"Young Neville Strongbottom will always bear the scar of the triumph he has had. But the baby's victory is nil when you consider the loss of the Potter Family."

The lady looked aghast. "Lily and James Potter, dead? But wasn't Serious Whack their Secret-Keeper?"

"Yes, and he turned them in. He also killed thirteen million people in and around New York City, among them cheerful Peter Pettigrew. Pettigrew was Neville's godfather."

"Does this mean the Big Apple has been destroyed?"

"The Big Apple, Hogsmeade, Cairo, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Indian Ocean, and ostriches are all relics of the past."

"How is the Indian Ocean gone?"

"Oh, one of Voldemort's servants—a R.A.B.—used a spell to coerce the Earth's Crust into draining that area. Now it is just one giant basin."

"Well, thank Merlin the age of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Shamed is over. I was getting tired of worshipping a true idol. This day will probably be Neville Strongbottom Day in the future."

"Yes, about that, Minerva. I was thinking it might be nice to send Strongbottom to live with Muggles instead of a wizarding family to raise him."

"But why, Albus?"

"Because if wizards are responsible for his upbringing, when he is older they will congratulate themselves on creating the world's most powerful wizard. Neville has strength in his blood, and not just his hiney."

"It still seems terrible to punish him so, but whom did you have in mind to raise him?"

"A couple of charitable folk known as the Dursleys."

"You can't mean the people who live here?" Minerva asked, her appalled expression turned towards Number Four Privet Drive.

"Why, certainly. The Dursleys were relatives of the Potters, and Strongbottom could benefit from their instruction since both he and Harry shared characteristics that linked them to a prophecy I heard little more than a month ago."

"You know I don't believe in these psuedo-fortune tellers."

"I have reason to believe this woman was the genuine article. She also predicted that I would be killed within sixteen years' time, on account of being betrayed by somebody I'm going to give my full and complete trust."

"But, Albus, you're immortal! The only thing that can kill you is an overdose of sweets. You know what the Healer said about your fetish for lemon drops."

"Oh, yes," Dumbledore said, staring guiltily at the candy he had just unwrapped. "Well, you only live twice," he commented, popping it into his mouth.

Ten years later, Neville Strongbottom received a letter to Hogwarts. He could barely read a word, because his Mierzly had drooled all over it. Mierzly was the monkey that belonged to Dudley Dursley, who didn't know a coat rack from a pogo stick.

Neville told Vernon about the letter he couldn't read.

"Go sit on your cousin's ape, and maybe that'll teach him a lesson," Vernon advised.

"Thanks, I'll try that."

But it was as if Mierzly had anticipated the cruel and unusual punishment he was about to receive. He was nowhere to be found. So Neville sat on Dudley's Playstation instead.

Dudley went to complain to his father that he couldn't put _Alien Surprise! _in the Playstation console because Cousin Neville had decided to plant himself on it. Vernon told Neville to get off, and that he was sure another letter would show up, or he was Oliver Cromwell.

Days later, an influx of letters fell through the chimney. Mierzly tried his best to drool on them all, but only got to thirty or forty before Neville was able to fetch a clean one and carry it to his bedroom, which was covered with a whole bunch of Dudley's junk in it.

Neville opened the letter, and read it in disbelief. He, a wizard! No, impossible…such things were confined to fairy tales. He went to ask Vernon about it.

"It's true, every word of it, dear nephew," Vernon said. "You were left on our doorstep around your first birthday, and Petunia and I wanted to keep it a secret from you, since we knew our Dudders would be jealous. That's why we bought Mierzly—so that he'd have someone to punch when you went off to learn magic and he was left behind."

"Where can I get my supplies?"

"Oh, the good, homely gamekeeper of Hogwarts will be here within three days to take you. He sent the family an onion pie, which made Petunia faint."

Platform Nine and Three Sevenths was hard to miss. Neville asked a few Muggles if they could help him, but they just looked at him like he was insane. Then he saw a family of redheads running with their carts toward the area between platforms nine and ten. He followed suit.

There was a man there who resembled a playing card, the two of spade. He asked if the boy was Neville Strongbottom.

"Yes, I am he."

"Well, you must follow me. You need to be put in a compartment by yourself. We don't want people to find out how puissant your fanny is before their time, anyhow."

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	2. The Sorting Bat

Neville Strongbottom and the Deathly Gallows

**Neville Strongbottom and the Deathly Gallows**

**Chapter Dos**

While on the train, three of the redheads came to meet Neville Strongbottom. At first, the two of spades wouldn't let them in, but he finally relented.

"I'm Abigail Beaverly, and this is Jasmine," said one of the trio. "The runt over there is Dawn."

Dawn looked grudgingly at her twin sisters. She was the dimmest of the group, while the others seemed to be shining with energy.

"So, are you Neville Strongbottom?" Jasmine asked him.

"Yes, that's me," he replied, showing her his star-shaped scar, which he had incurred from Voldemort's attack.

At this point, Neville's toad, Trevor, jumped out of his pocket. He reached down to grab it, and the redheads were able to observe the strong bottom they had heard so much about swaying as Neville groped around for his pet.

Dawn pitied the sight. "Your toad looks a little desirous to get away. I know how to help. It's a simple spell." She pulled out her wand. "_Iunardo!"_

When Dawn's spell had concluded, Trevor's body had merged with Neville's, so that the anuran's face and forelegs were sticking out of the boy's neck. The rest of Trevor was inside the famous young wizard.

"Oops. I didn't know that would happen."

"Nice going, pea-brain," Jasmine said to her little sister.

Just then, a friend of the twins, Li Orle Peppers, poked her head in the compartment. She saw the dashing figure of the two of spades, and she was in love. "I'll be sending you a Valentine in February," she said to him, as Abigail and Jasmine pulled her away.

"I'm so sorry," Dawn apologized. "And I don't know a counterspell."

The compartment door opened again, this time abruptly. In stepped a blonde boy with a pale face, and behind him a couple of obese goons. "Is it true that Neville Strongbottom is in here?"

Neville made a show of greeting.

"Egad! What is that thing sticking out of your neck?"

"It's Trevor my toad."

"Never mind, Crabbe and Goyle. This boy's a loser; not a friend. He'll probably be put in reeking Gryffindor."

The three left the room without another word. "Who was that?" Neville asked aloud.

Neither of the two others in the compartment could answer. "I didn't like him," the two of spades said.

Neville had forgiven Dawn immediately, and the rest of the trip to Hogwarts was filled with the two new friends exchanging stories. Dawn was not happy with being the fifth daughter in the Beaverly family: they would expect so much of her. There was one other sister attending Hogwarts that Neville had yet to meet: Prudence. From what Dawn told him, Prudence could stay as far away from Neville as she pleased. She sounded too bossy and ambitious for his liking.

When they arrived as Hogwarts, the first-years were acquainted with an ancient custom the castle observed: the Sorting Bat. The school staff captured a winged mammal from a special cave every summer, and used it to decide what House students would be put in. The bat would go in a student's ear and out the other. It was fed a vitamin, made custody of the Potions master, that would permit it to read the thoughts of the person it was Sorting, eventually coming to the conclusion of the best place for each particular student.

"Abbot, Hannah!" McGonagell called, reading the first name from a list she held. A short girl with strawberry-blonde hair advanced forward.

The eager white-and-black bat flew into the terrified girl's ear. She fidgeted as he pondered. Finally, he emerged from her other ear and announced, "HUFFLEPUFF!"

McGonagell read through the list, and eventually came to "Strongbottom, Neville."

The whole school seemed to watch breathlessly as the bat went into Neville's right ear. Almost immediately it came out of the left one.

"FROG'S LEGS!"

All four House tables rang out in uproarious laughter, causing Neville's face to turn purple.. When it died out, McGonagell scolded the Sorting Bat.

"You're supposed to tell what House Strongbottom's to be sorted in. What's your excuse for that unseemly utterance you just made?"

"All I could see when I went in there were frog's legs. And that's the gospel truth."

Then McGonagell noticed Trevor's forearms and ugly mug protruding out of Neville's neck. "Oh, my. How did that get there? Never mind. Call Madame Pompfrey," she shouted to the gamekeeper.

The school nurse took Neville away, and told him he'd be sorted later.

However, no spell, potion, or any other healing unguent could separate toad from master. When McGonagell came it to inquire about whom had brought this misfortune on Neville, he refused to answer. Thus far, Dawn Beaverly was his only friend at Hogwarts, and he didn't want her to get expelled.

On the third day after his incapacity, Neville was released, and the Sorting Bat was put in his ear again. This time, the bat was blinded, so that he would not see the frog's legs but focus solely on Strongbottom's thoughts. The bat would be killed afterward, so his inability to see was of no moment.

"GRYFFINDOR," he shouted joylessly, knowing his death was near.

Neville was happy with this pronouncement. It put him in the same House as Dawn Beaverly; in fact, all of the Beaverlys were in that House.

Neville's favorite class was Herbology, although he stank up the greenhouse the first day.

After class, Professor Sprout pulled him aside. "I remember when your father was here," she reminisced. "People had to wear clothespins round the clock. Try to control your bottom; some children don't appreciate natural odors."

Neville promised and went his way.

The Potions Master, Severely Misshaped, was hunched over twenty-four seven. He had a haggard face and a unibrow. He always wore robes that were the color of yellow bile.

Professor Misshaped frightened Neville, and the boy wizard had an extremely difficult time completing his assignments. He sometimes added the wrong ingredient at the wrong time, such as putting rat bones in his Night-Light Potion before stirring the mixture counterclockwise and adding the almonds in. Neville continuously made failing grades in Potions.

In Charms, he did well enough; in his other subjects, he had to rely mainly on Dawn to pull him through. She was very studious, read every book in sight, and more than delighted to help.

One day, in mid-October, Professor McGonagell called Neville to her office. "Strongbottom, I hate to say it, but your peers laugh at you."

"I know. It's because of my incredibly puissant hiney, isn't it?"

"Well, no, not exactly."

"The toad sticking out of my neck?"

"Not that either. No. You see, Strongbottom, they think its ridiculous that you are seen unremittingly in the company of a girl, but have no male friends."

"Not too many people can stand to be around Dawn, and she's the first friend I've ever had."

"Yes, I understand that Neville. But other people don't. You're getting a reputation for being effeminate, and I wish it to stop. Just please consider my advice."

Neville was very disgruntled as he left the office. What did McGonagell know? Male bonding just wasn't his type of thing, and he felt having only one friend was safe.

Nevertheless, he did make an effort to befriend boys. He first attempted to do so with two of his roommates, Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan. It didn't go well.

There was one roommate left to try, and this was the most dangerous one. His name was Pickle Kranger, and he had a nose shaped like a cucumber.

"Hello, Pickle," Neville said timidly.

"I don't want to talk to you," came the snooty reply.

"Why not?"

"I am busy contemplating my next comic strip, about a Super Pickle named Brine Juice who plays Quidditch."

"You create comic strips?" Neville asked, interested. "May I see them?"

Pickle pulled them out. "But I'm no Charles Schultz."

Neville admired the artistic hand that had made these. It showed a pickle with a cape and in underwear with giant letters BJ engraved on his chest. He was flying on a broom stick.

"Wow, that's amazing!" Neville complimented.

"You like 'em? Well, you can have 'em. I have plenty of copies."

Neville thanked Pickle, and they began chatting. Pickle came from Muggle parents who were gardeners. They had wanted to name him Cucumber, but the priest wouldn't allow such a christening; it was too unorthodox. However, Pickle was perfectly acceptable.

Since both Neville and Pickle were raised by Muggles, there was a great feeling of camaraderie between them. They discovered that they had some of the same interests, and Pickle didn't mind at all having a friend with a toad ensconsched in his body.

The hard part was getting Pickle and Dawn to like one another. Dawn was so intellectual, but Pickle preferred to play.

"Have you read _Hogwarts…A History?" _Dawn asked Pickle, when Neville first introduced them.

"Can't say that I have."

"Do you have any desire to read it?"

Pickle shook his head. "Look, just because you're a full-blooded witch doesn't give you the right to criticize my academic interest or lack thereof."

"Okay, Mr. Comic Strip Artist. I hope you're aware that that profession will get you nowhere."

Dawn and Pickle glared at each other. "Guys, calm down, and let's just be one big happy family," Neville said, grinning.

"I'm willing to make amends if he is," Dawn said, though this was only to placate Neville.

"Fine," Pickle said. "Friends?" He held out a palm full of brine juice.

Dawn scrunched up her face in disgust, but shook his hand, nevertheless.

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	3. The Kangaroo Court

Neville Strongbottom and the Deathly Gallows

**Neville Strongbottom and the Deathly Gallows**

**Chapter Three**

The Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was Professor Squirrel, who chatted on and off about nonsense defensive spells. Nothing he taught the class was of any use. He wore a purple turban.

Dollboy, the kid who had entered Neville's compartment with the two goons Crabbe and Goyle, was as obnoxious as he was mean. He was in Slytherin House, and it was rumored that he was well-practiced in voodoo. Li Peppers found a miniature Mariah Carey left on the Slytherin table as she was walking past it, and Dollboy was suspected of being the owner.

When the whole school was called to assembly for a Kangaroo Court session, accusing Draco Dollboy of illegal practices involving the Dark Arts. Professor Squirrel was the presiding judge; McGonagell was the bailiff. Professor Misshaped was the defense attorney, and the two of spades was the prosecutor. The only witness was Li Peppers.

"This seventy-fifth session of the Hogwarts Kangaroo Court is here to explicate the tidings of one Draco Dollboy, accused of breaking Section 33.1027 of the School Code, namely, that 'Voodooism is an arbitrary and illicit activity, possibly resulting in the death of the victim by the perpetrator, and is thereby outlawed in all shapes, forms, and otherwise.' The entire school is present at this hearing, and it shall commence abruptly," Professor Squirrel said, rapidly, slamming down his gavel at the conclusion of this statement.

"_Oyez, oyez, oyez__!" _Professor McGonagell said, to make sure everyone was paying attention.

"Will our sole witness, Miss Li Orle Peppers, please step up to the witness stand?"

The thirteen-year-old girl rose, and did as was asked, though she bowed to the cheers of all present, before sitting down.

The two of spades came up to question her. "Do you have any evidence that Dollboy has committed a crime within this school?"

"Sure I do, my sweet," Li said, as she flipped her hair back, coquettishly.

"What is it?"

"A voodoo doll of Mariah Carey," she said, holding it out for all to see.

Everyone gasped, even though eighty percent of them didn't even know who Mariah Carey was.

"And do you have any proof that Dollboy actually used it in voodoo practices?"

"Well, I found a pin in the back, and if that doesn't prove anything, I don't know what will."

"Your Honor, I have no further questions," the two of spades concluded.

"Fine. Professor Misshaped, you may cross-examine the witness."

The hunched-man with the ugly face came forward. "Miss Peppers, I am familiar with your shenanigans and attempts to garner unnecessary attention, and I am not convinced that this object belongs to Dollboy."

"B-but…I found it at Slytherin table."

"And can you prove that you found it there? Or perhaps it really belongs to your friends, Abigail and Jasmine Beaverly? Hmmm?"

"No, it doesn't! I swear!" Li shouted, exasperatedly.

"In the two-and-a-half years of the Beaverlys occupation here, I have seen more illegal activities than in all my previous ten years of teaching. They've blown up toilet seats, stole armadillo bile from my stock, caused Filch to break his leg, choked Mrs. Norris practically to death, poured oxalic acid down my robes, and killed a hippogriff on school grounds, without permission. So is it not also probable that they would sneak a voodoo doll in here and cause an innocent wizard like Draco to be put to blame?"

"Professor Misshaped, you must admit that the Beaverlys bring life to this school," McGonagell said.

"Yes. Life and voodoo dolls."

"Now, Severely, you don't want to go making any hasty accusations."

"Isn't that what this whole court is about? Hasty accusations, my foot! Dollboy did this, Dollboy did that! Why don't we blame all the evils in the world on Dollboy, including global warming!"

People in the audience started getting wild. "Yes, let's blame Dollboy for the destruction of the ozone layer!"

"I say we blame Dollboy for the Holocaust!"

"It's Dollboy's fault that kids have to eat green vegetables!"

The whole school rang with outrageous and ridiculous calumnies of Draco Dollboy. Only the Professors, Crabbe, Goyle, and a first-year Slytherin girl named Pansy Parkinson were silent.

"Order in the court!" Professor Squirrel bellowed, slamming his gavel down three times in succession.

"You see?" Misshaped said, smugly. "I believe that the _authorities _in this court will agree with me that Dollboy should be absolved of any crimes he may or may not have committed."

"I suggest that we have a jury, made up of twelve students," the two of spades said.

"I prefer the latter." Professor Squirrel asked the bailiff to select an impartial jury.

McGonagell naturally chose Prudence Beaverly to lead the jury, and she was permitted to pick out the other eleven. Nobody from Slytherin was chosen.

Prudence and the others left the Great Hall, and consulted each other on their verdict. They shortly returned.

"Jury, have you reached a consensus?"

"Yes," began Prudence, "We believe our charge to be –"

"MERLIN'S BEARD! WHAT IS THAT SMELL?"

People ran from the Great Hall as fast as they could. They had forgotten to wear their clothespins, in all the excitement of the trial. Neville's strong bottom had shown the limit of its puissance.

Thanks to Neville, Prudence was never able to complete her verdict. If she had, Draco would've been expelled. It was too late now; the Kangaroo Court was only held once a year, and besides, Hogwarts students could not be tried twice for the same crime. Prudence started a petition that would ban Neville from all future KC sessions.

One day, about a week after the Kangaroo Court fiasco, Neville decided to follow Abigail and Jasmine Beaverly to the seventh floor in the castle. All students were forbidden from exploring that floor, and the Beaverly twins were attracted to anything that was against the rules.

Dawn was too busy studying for her final exams to come, even though they were four months away. Pickle wished he could come too, but his comic strip character Brine Juice was demanding all of his time. So Neville just went with the twins.

There was a certain locked door they could not penetrate. Not even with _Allohomora. _However, Jasmine had a safety pin handy, and it worked like magic.

Upon entering the door, they were confronted by a bloodthirsty koala with a chainsaw. "Ah, how cute," Abigail cooed.

The koala turned on his chainsaw, and ran towards the trio. Neville ducked, and the infernal weapon hit Trevor, cutting the toad from its master's body at long last. But Trevor was dead.

The Beaverlys pulled Neville away, while he wept over his dead pet. They had been so close, especially of late, and it made Neville miserable to think that Trevor was now gone forever.

"You know, I think that koala was guarding something," Jasmine said, as they walked down the stairs.

"What makes you say that?" Abigail asked.

"There was a trapdoor in the middle of the room."

"Wonder what it could be."

"Something valuable enough that it requires a maniac marsupial to protect it."

The twins pondered over this baffling conundrum. Neville was upset because he didn't have time to grab Trevor's body, and who knew what that malicious koala was doing to it now?

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	4. Preparing For Descent

Neville Strongbottom and the Deathly Gallows

**Neville Strongbottom and the Deathly Galloyou wws**

**Chapter Four**

Jasmine and Abigail Beaverly kept pondering over what the manic koala could be guarding. They neglected to build the bridge of explosives they had intended to construct over Slytherin table one night. Neville didn't think it was important at all.

Dawn overheard the twins talking about the incident, and didn't fail to scold them for going to the forbidden seventh floor. But she confided her thoughts to Neville.

"I think the koala might be protecting a secret of Hogwarts."

"Oh, Dawn…next you'll say the Valentine I got was from a troll."

On February 14, Neville had gotten a card with an image of a guy and a girl's face ensconced in a heart. Inside the card was an inscription,

To my dearest Neville:

With love on the eleventh Valentine's you will experience on this planet.

Yoddi Sparklin, XOXOXOX

"It _is _from a troll," Dawn said, matter-of-factly. "Look at the name! And the inscription, XOXOXOX. In Troll language it means, 'You will be dead by next New Years.'"

"In Muggle language, it means hugs and kisses."

"Neville, Muggles and Muggle-borns don't have names like Yoddi Sparklin."

"Just drop it, Dawn. And please tell me how to perform the Scythe Swishing Charm. I'm finding it too complicated."

Dawn sighed and attempted to help Neville learn the Charm, but it wasn't a success. Then she went to have tea with an angry house-elf, who a fellow Gryffindor girl named Lavender Brown had a crush on. But Lavender couldn't be with him unless she was with four other girls at least, and Dawn had promised she'd help Lavender out. So she left Neville, who was nothing short of dismayed.

"Pickle," he said to his other friend, "why are all these eleven-year-olds having crushes? Surely they haven't hit puberty yet?"

"Speak for yourself. I'm certain you dream about Yoddi every night."

"How do you know?"

"You talk in your sleep. _'Yoddi, oh how I need you, Yoddi!' _It's nauseating."

"So is Brine Juice!" Neville shouted, his ears going red. Pickle gave him an angry look and scurried off to an empty classroom to continue work on his comic strip.

Pickle wouldn't speak to Neville for a month. One time during this thirty-day period, Dollboy made a voodoo figure of Pickle and forced the real one to kiss a tarantula. Neville ended up laughing so hard that his sphincter muscles released the biggest and most foul-smelling ball of gas ever. People were unable to eat in the Great Hall for a week, for even clothespins couldn't protect them from the odor. Instead they had cold turkey in the Potions dungeon, to the intense displeasure of Severely Misshaped, who glared at all the pupils in his private sector while they filled their bellies.

Pickle and Neville finally made up after they slaughtered an rogue elephant that had suddenly fallen through a black hole into the castle and killed three fourth-year girls as well as maiming seventeen students of various years. Neville had farted three feet away from the elephant, and it bent down since it knew that near the ground the gas would be less pronounced. Then Pickle pulled a sword with a golden blade and a ruby hilt from out of thin air, and cut off the elephant's head. The castle had elephant meat for supper that night, and Dumbledore awarded Gryffindor House a negative three hundred points.

"I'm sorry, but this is the worst meal I have ever eaten," Dumbledore said, when giving his reasons for lowering the House points so much. "It tasted like rubber and ivory. It was even worse than the Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean I had when I was thirteen, which was excrement flavor. At least I could _chew _that!"

"But, they saved people's lives!" one fifth-year Gryffindor shouted.

"Ah, but the elephant in question was a Jurisprudence elephant. The three girls it killed would've grown up to be monstrous witches who cut off children's heads for fun and hung them on their walls. The students who were maimed have all done something evil in the past six months, or will do something evil in the _next _six months."

Dawn was really upset about this speech, because Abigail had lost an arm from the elephant and was now coalescing in the hospital wing. She had really admired Dumbledore before this, but now she just wanted him to cease being Headmaster, or to die, or something far worse.

Madam Pomfrey tried very hard to give Abigail a new arm, but nothing worked. At last it was decided that she needed a metal hand created, but nobody in the castle except Severely Misshaped knew how to create one in a jiffy, and he refused to help, even when offered a pay raise by Dumbledore. So Madam Pomfrey had to take her time with mending it.

One day, as Dawn corrected Neville's homework in the hospital wing (which she would not leave because Abigail was so dear to her), Jasmine burst in with an announcement.

"Professor Misshaped is planning to steal the Sorcerer's Bone and fetch He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Shamed out of the winds!"

"Don't be silly, Jaz," said Dawn. "Professor Misshaped would never steal."

"Look, Dawn, just because you idolize him doesn't mean—"

But Jasmine's argument was cut short when Li Orle Peppers ran into the room. "The two of spades has offered to take his clothes off in front of me!"

Both of the twins gasped. "Li, this is a _children's_ fanfic!" Jasmine said. Then she quickly covered her mouth.

Li stared at her blankly. "What are you talking about?"

"I have no idea; I don't know what I said. But in any case, the two of spades doesn't wear any clothes."

"I know. Isn't he a dreamboat?" Li asked, sighing and seeming to float six feet in the air.

Madam Pomfrey came out of her office. "Floating in the hospital wing is absolutely forbidden!" she shouted, kicking Li out.

Jasmine left the room as well, feeling dejected. Dawn and Neville gave each other a look. The youngest Beaverly girl turned to Abigail. "I'll be back later; don't worry."

They caught up with Jasmine two corridors down. "Tell us everything you suspect about Professor Misshaped."

After a wild tale of rampaging mermaids, a revenant who thought that teenage girls' heads were lollipops, and a trio of werewolves who initiated the California Gold Rush, Jasmine finally explained that the Sorceror's Bone, a rare artifact, was hidden beneath the trapdoor in the room with the bloodthirsty koala.

"And get this—it's called Fluffy!" Jasmine said, bursting into giggles.

"The Sorceror's Bone is called Fluffy?" Dawn asked.

"No, our chainsaw-loving, eucalyptus leaf-eating friend."

"How did you discover this?"

"Bladderwatch told me."

"Bladderwatch? You mean that goofy fat gamekeeper who urinates on the—"

"Yes, him," said Jasmine hastily. "But the point is, how are we going to get through all the enchantments the teachers have set up?"

"I suggest we have my cousin's chimpanzee fight the koala," said Neville.

"Hmmm…that might work," said Jasmine. "Trouble is, how will we get him here?"

"Well, we can create a black hole like the one that brought the elephant in," suggested Dawn.

"Yes, but we'd need a force so powerful that it can make the Wall of China collapse to create said hole. And the only thing that can do that is…"

The Beaverly girls looked at Neville.

"What?" he asked.

"You've got to let out a huge fart, so that your cousin's monkey can come."

"Okay," Neville smiled. He sat in a chair sticking out of a wall and leaned forward to release.

"Tropical Storm Bethany has now reached winds of 40 miles per hour, which alters its status from a tropical storm to a Category 1 Hurricane."

"Where is that coming from?" Jasmine asked.

"You don't think Neville's butt is picking up radio signals, do you?" Dawn wondered, looking anxious.

"Could be," Jasmine said, frowning.

"But it's not even hurricane season!" a man was heard to shout, the second before Neville released his extremely foul stench.

"Quick, Dawn! Use the spell!" Jasmine had her fingers clinching her nose so that she wouldn't inhale the nastiness.

"_Giodorme!" _

A bunch of flowers rained down from the ceiling. The flowers were singing, "It's a merry hol-i-day, to breathe on fab-u-lous in May-y-y…"

"Wrong spell, Dawn!"

"Oops…I meant _Giodorma!"_

The flowers stopped coming and the singing ceased. A huge black hole appeared, and out of it stepped Mierzly, who drooled all over fifty of the floors now covering the floor.


End file.
